Seymour's Bright Idea: Episode II
by Nardo T. Icarus
Summary: The (not really) long-awaited sequel to Seymour's Bright Idea. What's that crazy Guado up to, now?
1. A 'Business Trip'

Seymour's Bright Idea: Episode II

By Nardo T. Icarus

Somewhere in the neighborhood of two and a half years after the defeat of Penance, Maester-turned-somewhat-successful-recording-artist, Seymour Guado, was packing suitcases in preparation for a trip he was about to take. Continuity ensued as his 11-year-old daughter, Signy walked in the room.

"Oh, hi, Daddy. Whatcha doing," asked the diminutive pre-teen.

"Packing my bags. I'm going on a, uh, business trip for about a week," answered the middle-aged Guado.

"Then why are you bringing a revolver? And that AK-47," asked Signy.

Seymour panicked. "**It's not a revolver**," he bellowed, then regained his composure, "it's a, uh, fancy beer mug."

"Ooh," said Signy with fascination, "but why does it look like a revolver?"

Seymour sighed, "because deception."

"Also, does Mommy know about you leaving," asked the child.

"Of course she does," Seymour said, cheerfully, "so there's no need to tell her. **At all.** Otherwise, you'll be grounded for a _month!_"

Just then, Tromell walked in. "Um, Lord Seymour, the limo is ready when you are," said he.

"Good, gimme like, five minutes," responded the _Distinguished _Guado Leader.

"I also took the initiative to camouflage it so Lady Sveta wouldn't notice," added the elite servant.

"Awesome, I'll meet you down there."

"But, Daddy, you said Mommy already knew," said Signy questioningly.

"I did, but you know how your mother is with goodbyes. So, I'll see you next week and remember: be _really_ good while I'm gone!"

"But-"

"_Really frickin' good!"_

"But what about-"

"_SAINTLY!_"

Signy paused for a few seconds, followed by, "meh."

Meanwhile, downstairs, Seymour finished putting his luggage in the trunk of the limo. The limo, of course, was given to him by Yuna after it outlived her use for it.

"A'right, let's get this show on the **road**," declared the ex-Maester.

Thus, they were _en route_ to their destination. "Are you sure we'll be able to get in, Milord," asked Tromell.

"Okay, firstly: my name's not Millard. That's a fucking stupid name; don't ever call me that again," Seymour responded, "secondly: this thing has been to the fucking _Rift_ and back. I'm pretty sure it can pierce any barrier, no matter how…'magical' or whatever it is. I even took the precaution of installing extra-strength barrier-piercing spikes on it as a precaution. I even added a bumper sticker that says, 'get the hell out mah way.' You see, what I did was spell 'my' as 'M-A-H' to make it sound more badass – a factor increased exponentially by removing the word 'of' from between 'out' and 'mah.' Genius, I tell you."

"Yes, and your use of the word 'hell' is quite catchy, Milord."

"**_Tromell!_**"

"Yes?"

"Call me Millard again…and I'm poking your fucking ribs."

"As you wish, Lord Seymour."

"Yeah, you'd _better_ agree with me."

Where are our anti-heroes going? What are they going to do when they get there? Why does Seymour feel like he's missing something?

"**_HOLY SHIT, I FORGOT MY MEDS!_**"

**NEXT TIME:** Chapter ⑨


	2. Chapter (9)

Seymour's Bright Idea: Episode II

By Nardo T. Icarus

When we last left our heroes, they were on their way to an undisclosed location in their souped-up limo. For no reason whatsoever, we are going to assume they're headed to Gensokyo.

"Hey, Tromell," asked Seymour with a chuckle.

"Yes, Milord," answered Tromell.

"Gensokyo-kyo."

"Ah, yes, Gensokyo-kyo."

"You know, I could just keep adding kyos infinitely and then keep going for hours on end and it will never fall out of rhythm."

"Like Pinocchio, I imagine?

"Yeah, but no one gives a shit about Pinocchio-cchio right now. 'Right now' being the key phrase. I might watch it like, next week or so, but right now, I don't care."

"What about Seymour-eymour."

"Well, if you did that, then someone who walks in the room in the middle of it would think you're saying 'Maury' over and over and I fucking hate that show."

"Yes, you were always a Jerry Springer man."

"You bet your shit I was. Still am, too. If Maury and Jerry ever got into a fight, Jerry would win, hands fucking down."

Just then, the limo approached an old, apparently uninhabited shrine. Seymour noticed it and began to alert the driver. "Asparagus! Drive right through that old, beat-up shrine, there," he commanded.

"Are you serious," exclaimed the driver, whose name was Asparagus, apparently.

"**_DO IT!_**"

Reluctantly, Asparagus floored the acceleration pedal, causing the limo to speed up. Just as the limo's spike-riddled bumper was about to reach the shrine's steps, the limo – along with everyone and everything contained within – disappeared in a flash of lightning, reappearing in another world. In this other world, it appeared as though the limo appeared with a bang in mid air and landed completely unscathed in front of a shrine.

"Shit, that went better than expected," said Seymour.

"Indeed," Tromell agreed.

"You can park here, Ass. I've got business to attend to."

"Restroom, Lord Seymour?"

Seymour laughed at Tromell's inquiry, "**HELL, NO!** If it were that I wouldn't be about to make you come with."

"What about me," asked Asparagus.

"You're waiting in the limo," explained Seymour, bluntly, as he and Tromell walked into the shrine.

"Oh, magical, undead zombie-Miko," yelled Seymour in a sing-songy voice.

"I'm not a zombie! I've literally had it up to _HERE_ with that stupid meme! Thus, I will not respond to you," answered the Shrine Maiden, sitting at a table with her back to the door.

"Even though I has a donations," asked Seymour, trying to act like a lolcat.

The Miko pondered this for a second, and then asked, "how much?"

"400,000,000,000 yen."

"**FOUR ****_HUNDRED _****_BILLION_**," yelled the Shrine Maiden as she quickly stood up and spun around to face the two Guado.

"You bet your armpits!"

"Armpits, Lord Seymour? Seriously," questioned Tromell.

"Shut up, Tromell."

"Wait, it isn't play money, is it? A few people have trolled me with that in the past," asked the Shrine Maiden.

"Of course it's not, Way-moo. Do we look that stupid to you?"

"It's Reimu and yes, you do look kind of stupid. Seriously, how the hell do you keep that hair of yours in place, wood glue?"

"Nope. So, are you gonna shut up and take my money or not?"

"Hold on: I need to inspect it first," Reimu proceeded to check the money to make sure it wasn't play money, "w-where the hell did you get all of this money?!"

"I'm glad you asked," started Seymour, "you see, on our way through the barrier we exchanged all of our Gil for its equivalent in Yen. On our way back home, we'll trade what we have left for Gil again."

"Who even administers that?!"

"Some blond lady we met. She had a fox and a cat with her."

"Um, okay."

"So anyway, you can keep that money, if you want."

"Uh, yes, um, thank you…I guess…"

Now back in the limo, Seymour, Tromell and that other guy were on their way to their next stop. Seymour, putting on wraparound shades, was feeling like quite the badass.

"I'm feeling like quite the badass right now," he said.

"That's good to hear, Lord Seymour," chuckled Tromell.

"**_Tromell!_**"

"Uh, y-yes?"

"Don't ever laugh like that again. _Ever_. That was creepy as _fuck_."

"A thousand apologies."

"Make it a million and you're off the hook."

"As you wish."

"As I wish _what_?"

"A million apologies, Lord Seymour, as you requested."

"Good. Have a treat," said Seymour as he handed Tromell a milk bone.

Just then, Seymour spotted a lake in the distance. "Either these sunglasses are a tad too dark, I'm really high or there's a misty lake over there. If it's the third thing, then pull over, Asparagus," he ordered. Immediately after the limo pulled over, Seymour literally dove into the trunk of the limo and came back out in full fishing gear.

"Fuck yeah! We're going **_fishing_**," he yelled while running, almost not realizing that the lake was, in fact, frozen solid.

"Shit, it's **_frozen_**," he yelled again.

"Well, what are we going to do now," asked Tromell.

"You're asking _me_?! I wanted to go fucking **_fishing_**, but the lake is **_frozen_**! And thus, those are the vocab words for today: 'fishing' and 'frozen'. Luckily, I always keep skating blades in my shoes," said the moderately insane Guado as he extended said blades from his boots and proceeded to skate toward the middle like a professional ice skater.

"Fucking **_ice-fishing_**, baby," said Seymour as he cut a hole in the ice and cast his line in. Tromell followed suit and started fishing in the same hole, greatly annoying Seymour.

"Get your own damn hole, Tromell," ordered the Alpha-Guado.

"My apologies, Milord, but there aren't that many-"

"Get your own hole, or you're getting a _hook_ in your **_eye_**!"

"As you wish," said Tromell as he made his own hole about three meters from Seymour's. Just then, Seymour felt a chill on the back of his neck.

"Tromell, are you fucking kidding me?!"

"Kidding about what?"

"It's bad enough that the lake is frozen, but now you just _had_ to bring a giant fucking air-conditioner to make everything _colder_ than it already _was_."

"But I've done no such thing, honest. Also, you've got someone behind you."

"What?"

"**Eye'm the strongest**," yelled a high voice.

"**_SHIT-WHY-ARE-YOU-HERE_**," yelled a distressed Seymour as he turned around, not realizing that he, in his panic, dropped his fishing pole into the lake.

"Well, eye live here; this is my home. Eye just came to see what you guys were doing. My name's Cirno, by the way. Eye'm an ice fairy."

"Um, hi. My name is Seymour and that dude over there is Tromell," explained the confused Guado, "yeah, we were just ice-fishing and whatnot."

"Ice-fishing? In _my_ lake?"

"It's more likely than you think."

"Um, yeah, well, eye'm gonna have to ask you to _not_ fish in my lake."

"Yeah? Why not?"

"Because eye worked so hard to freeze this _whole_ lake, but then here you guys come and-"

"Wait, you mean to tell me _you_ froze this lake?"

"Well, yeah. Eye think eye did a good job, too!"

"That's it, kid. I'm calling your legal folks," said Seymour as he dialed a random number on his cell-phone and then realized, "**_GODDAMMIT-I-GET-NO-FUCKING-RECEPTION-OUT-HERE!_**"

"No luck, huh?"

"For you? _Plenty_ of luck. For me, not so much."

"**Eye'm the strongest!**"

"I'm sure you are, kid. I'm sure you are."

"Eye am, see," said Cirno as she flexed and arm.

"Ee-yeah, there's no muscle."

"Wait a minute, are you insin- ins- isnin- insinu- are you saying that eye'm _fat_?"

"_No_, I'm saying that you're _not_ the strongest, _especially_ compared to a 'That One Boss' such as myself."

"Eye **_am_** the strongest! Watch and eye'll prove it to you," shouted Cirno as she proceeded to freeze Tromell on the spot. This did not amuse Seymour in the least.

"Unfreeze him."

"You are just jealous, 'cause _eye'm_ the strongest and _you're_ not."

"_UNFREEZE HIM, OR I'LL __**BURN YOU INTO STEAM **__WITH __**HIGH-LEVEL FIRE SPELLS**_," demanded Seymour in a voice of Legion.

"Well, eye can't just unfreeze him, 'cause eye do not have an ice-axe."

"And this is why…you are _not_ the strongest," concluded Seymour as he cast Firaga on Tromell, thawing him out.

"Wait, what happened just now," asked Tromell, still in the same exact position he was in prior to being frozen.

"Nothing."

"Oh, alright."

Just then, a flyer flew in and hit Seymour in the _face_.

"The fuck," said Seymour as he began to read the flyer, "Barbecue in Hell? Is this for real?"

"Oh, yeah, eye forgot about that," said Cirno, "eye can't go to the barbecue, 'cause eye will melt."

"**_HOLY_**-shit-we-gotta-go-to-that-barbecue, _pronto_! Tromell, pack your shit, we're going to the Barbecue in Hell."

"But, I didn't catch anything," noted Tromell.

"BARBECUE! **_NOW!_**"

And thus our heroes were on the road once again. What is this Barbecue in Hell and what does it entail? Is it a legitimate barbecue? Will they survive?

"Is Satan gonna be there? Seriously, I want that dude's autograph!"

**NEXT TIME:** Ribs


	3. Ribs

Seymour's Bright Idea: Episode II

By Nardo T. Icarus

When we last left our illustrious duo trio _duo_, they were headed for the mysterious Barbecue in Hell. More like the Barbecue in Former Hell or perhaps the Hell of Blazing Fires. The whole 'Hell' situation in Gensokyo is rather confusing, actually. We tried asking Eiki about it, but she kept changing the subject on us. When we questioned her knowledge, she told us that we're going to Hell and we were like, 'okay.' So, needless to say, we're on Eiki's shit list now. Anyway, back to Seymour and company.

Seymour, back in his normal clothes, including the shades from before, decided to blast some music.

"_Lord Seymour, could you please turn that down? Just a little_," asked Tromell.

"**_Fuck no! I'm playing this WHOLE album ON REPEAT until we get to the barbecue!_**" Just as Seymour finished his sentence, the limo's stereo speakers blew out.

"Fuck you, speakers," said Seymour, "_now_ what am I gonna listen to?"

"I could sing," said Asparagus.

"Asparagus, if you sing…I'm throwing up in your skull."

"Oh, please, God, no! Last time that happened, I was in the hospital for a _month_! Hey, I could play a mean tongue solo in 7/4."

"While you're driving?"

"Ee-yup!"

"You know, Ass, I think it'd be better if you'd just shut the fuck up until we leave Gensokyo-kyo-kyo."

"My name's not Ass, dammit. If you _must_ give me a nickname, call me Asp. Now, that's a badass name."

"Well, you don't deserve a badass name, now do you, Ass?"

"Just you watch, I'm gonna be the Ensemble Darkhorse when this is over!"

"One more word out of you, and I will singe your _eyebrows_!"

"You forget, Seymour Butz, with my long, golden hair, you'd only make look like a Super Saiyan 3 – _exponentially_ more badass!"

"Then I'll draw huge, bright purple eyebrows with permanent marker in their place, thus making you look like a fucking moron."

"That would be quite the sight," added Tromell.

"I know, right? He's an ass! What do you think I call him 'Ass' for? HEE-HAW!"

"Ha-ha. Quite."

Asparagus, having enough of Seymour and Tromell making fun of him, pulled the limo over.

"Asparagus, get back on course. _Now_," ordered Seymour.

"No," said Asparagus, defiantly.

"Asparagus, if you do not get back on course _now_, your pancreas will be _forfeit_."

"Okay," said Asparagus in a normal tone as he continued the drive. Not long after, they approached a bridge.

"Oh, shit, it's a troll bridge," said Seymour.

After the limo pulled up to the bridge, the guard approached the limo.

"That's a nice transport thing-a-ma-bob you got there. I'm jealous," said the guard.

"My limo makes _everyone_ jealous, sweetheart," said Seymour pulling his shades down slightly as to reveal his eyes.

"_REH!_ The fact that you_ know what a limo even __**is**_ makes me _jealous!_ So, I suppose you guys are going to the barbecue. I can't go, because I gotta guard this bridge, which makes me jealous of everyone who _can_ go."

"Are you jealous of like, _literally everything_?"

"_OF COURSE- _Of _course_ I'm jealous of everything. I _am_ a Hashihime, after all."

"Um, okay, well, here. Have this small _Kingdom Hearts II_ sack of money this way we can literally drive_ on, __**on, ON**_your bridge and get to the barbecue," said Seymour, handing the guard the aforementioned money sack.

"What?"

"_Shut up and take my money!_"

"How much is even _in_ here?"

"Like, 800,000 some-odd Yen or something."

"The fact that you even have so much money to give to me makes me jealous."

"Oh, come now. Don't make my _Futurama_ reference go to waste."

"The fact that you-"

"_ASPARAGUS! __**FLOOR IT!**_"

Thus, our heroes headed to the barbecue while blaring AC/DC. The deeper they went into Hell, the more fire there was. For some reason, however, the temperature capped at 99.9˚F (~37.72˚C).

"Jesus Christ, it's summer~ again~! Oh, my god," said Seymour, doing his worst Valley Girl impression, "in the middle of October~! Oh, my god!"

"I'm going to have nightmares about that, now," said Tromell.

"Shut the _fuck_ up, Tromell!"

Finally, the limo pulled up to the barbecue. When our heroes got out of the limo, they could not believe their eyes.

"This looks less like a barbecue and more like a field trip for an all-girl high school," said Seymour, "**_ARE THERE NO MEN HERE?!_**"

"Did someone say '_MEN_'," yelled a voice. Said voice was then revealed to be a man in a loincloth making numerous flexing poses near constantly.

Seymour scowled at the man for a moment, "**_ARE THERE NO MEN HERE WHO AREN'T SO GODDAMN CREEPY?!_**" He received no response this time, so he and Tromell walked up to the buffet table. Once there, they shoved past a small girl who was in their way to the ribs.

"Hey, I was here first," said the apparent child.

"Well, I'm bigger than you, so fuck you, kid," said Seymour.

"Don't you know who I am?"

"Why would I care who some stupid kid in her pajamas is?"

"Because I am Remilia Scar-"

"**_JESUS-CHRIST-LOOK-AT-ALL-THESE-RIBS!_**"

"…let?"

"Oh, my god, look at how big this one is!"

"That's what she said," sang Remilia.

"Okay, kid. Ribs are all yours now."

"Yay!"

Seymour chuckled under his breath, "kids."

"What a sweet child she was," said Tromell.

"**_Tromell!_**"

"What, you don't agree?"

"No, I just realized something."

"What is it?"

"You fucking called me Millard _twice_ since I told you not to! You know what this means, Tromell."

"Please don't poke my ribs, Lord Seymour, my hands are full."

"Oh, I'm _gonna_ poke your ribs, Tromell. I stand by my word like a dude at a bus stop," said Seymour as he proceeded to poke Tromell's ribs. That is, he poked the ribs on his plate, rather than the ribs in his body.

"Oh… Well, that wasn't so bad."

"Next step is I rip out your navel."

"My what?"

"Sorry, did I say 'navel'? I meant to say 'molars'."

"Those don't even sound the same."

"Shut **_UP!_**"

"Yes, my lord."

"Did you just call me Meat Loaf?"

"No. What, you don't like Meat Loaf?"

"_OF COURSE-_ Of _course_ I like Meat Loaf! I listen to him _on a daily basis!_"

"Oh, you listen to Meat Load on a daily basis, too," asked a muscular young woman with a horn on her head.

"No, I listen to Meat _Loaf_ on a daily basis. I don't know _who_ the hell Meat _Load_ is or why that name sounds so goddamn _wrong_- wait, are you a Ronso?"

"No, I'm an Oni! My name's Yuugi."

"Okay, you are _not_ Yuugi. I _know_ Yuugi. He's a good pal of mine. He beats me in children's card games on an almost bi-weekly basis."

"There's more than one person named Yuugi in the world, bub."

"You know what? Fuck you, Yuugi the Ronso. Fuck you."

"I'm an Oni!"

"Oh, hi~, Yuugi~! How'sh it goin'," said a smaller Oni with two horns.

Seymour stared at her for a moment, then turned back to Yuugi, "is your little sister _drunk_ or something?"

"All the time," said Yuugi, "also, Suika is not my sister, but she is a good pal of mine. She beats me in drinking contests on an almost bi-weekly basis."

"Okay, you totally just stole that line from me."

"So? Whatcha gonna do, bub?"

"Oh, my God, did you just fucking call me Bob? Oh, my God! Shit! You fucking Ronso!"

"_Complaining!_"

"Oh, wow. If you think I complain, you should see this monkey fellow I met once."

"Wait, what?"

"Long story involving an in-joke between two kids from New Jersey."

"Then, how do _you_ know?"

"_Because I know fucking everything, __**betch!**_"

"Don't you mean 'bitch'?"

"No, I meant 'betch'. It's a word I made up five seconds ago meaning 'Annoying Female Ronso'."

"You think you've got the guts to back up those words?!"

"Hey," yelled a girl with black wings, "Lady Satori says _no fighting allowed at the barbecue_!"

"Or," questioned Seymour, "you'll do what?"

"I will _shoot you_," the girl pointed an arm cannon at them.

"What is that, exactly?"

"It's my _third leg_!"

Seymour let this soak in for a few seconds, and then started laughing uncontrollably. "The _fuck_ did you just say?! Your third _leg_?! Holy crap, I can't imagine half of the sophomoric jokes that one could make about that! That's just so damn _wrong_," he guffawed.

"No! It's not funny!"

"Uh, h-yes it is!"

"Dude," said Yuugi, "that's a fucking _nuclear goddamn control rod_! She could turn this barbecue into a radioactive _wasteland_ if she wanted to!"

Suddenly, Seymour stopped laughing and said to Yuugi, "do I have to choke a betch?"

"I'm not kid-"

"Stop the train. Stop. The _fucking_. Train."

"Hey," said the impatient raven-haired raven, "are you guys just gonna keep going at it all _day~_, or are you gonna go back to your respec-a-tive business?"

"Lady, we are not going at it. Okay?"

"Yes you _are_!"

"No, if we were going at it, we would kick you out, because you'd be invading the privacy of our hotel room."

"Wait, what? Oh, my-"

"What's going on here, Okuu," said a red-headed girl with cat ears.

"Goku," Seymour asked.

"These two were _going at it_," said the raven, who then glared at Seymour, "and not in a weird way, either."

"Going at it? Well, that's not good," said the catgirl.

"Wait," said Seymour to the raven, "aren't you Ushushio from that one game?"

"My name's Utsuho."

"Mitsuo? Oh, shit, I hated that boss!"

"No, it's Utsuho. U-tsu-ho!"

"Then, that would mean I'm _Cleetus_ and I assure you, _Madam_, that I am _not_ fucking Cleetus."

"Fuck you, Cleetus!"

"Oh, my god, you fucking birdbrain! Did you _actually_ just call me _Cleetus intentionally, on purpose_?! **_Tromell!_**Fucking Gokushio just called me _Cleetus_ for no goddamn reason! Holy shit! **_Basketballs in a goddamn toilet!_** Oh my god!"

Utsuho's expression slowly deteriorated from angry to absolutely devastated.

"Orin," she cried, "Cleetus called me a fucking _birdbrain_!"

"Well, bub," said Yuugi, "you really _fucked this one up_, didn't you?"

"Shut the _fuck_ up, Yuugi the Ronso," replied Seymour.

_Suddenly_, yet another girl showed up. She was a rather short girl with purple hair and what appeared to be an eye with appendages that connected to her as if like a heart and its blood vessels.

"What's going on here," she asked in a somewhat monotone voice, "why are you crying, Utsuho?"

"Lady Satori, it was horrible," sobbed Utsuho, pointing to Seymour, "Cleetus kept making fun of me and he never quit! He never stopped for _one_ second!"

Now, you see, Lady Satori could read minds with her third eye, kind of like Tenshinhan, except the latter didn't get any superpowers from _his_ extra eye. However, this ability was on all of the time, thus it was kind of annoying for her. This was the reason why she, the one who actually threw the barbecue, didn't show herself until now. Don't ask us how this makes sense, this entire scene has been a complete mind screw as it is.

Anyway, Satori focused with the best of her ability on Seymour's thoughts. The only thing she got was, "_[Hello, I'm Seymour Guado. You might remember me for my album _Lad Trapped in a Well for Days._ I'm here to show __**you**__ this epic new product that literally just when on the market just now. It's called the-]_"

"Are you…insane or something, Cleetus – I mean – Seymour," asked Satori.

"I'm sort of high right now."

"On?"

"Biscuits and gravy!"

"Well, anyway, I'm not really a fan of crowds, so don't make me come down here again."

"Wait, didn't _you_ throw the barbecue?"

"Yes, but it was my sister who wanted it, so don't ruin it for her. Otherwise, I'll extract your bowels."

"Hamburger puns."

"Um, okay, well enjoy the rest of the barbecue," said Satori as she returned from whence she came.

"Well, now that _that's_ over."

"Lord Seymour," yelled Tromell. Apparently, he'd been given a German Suplex by the girl in a hat standing next to him.

"Well, hey there sweetheart," said Seymour in a disturbingly giddy fashion, "are you enjoying the ba-"

"Oh, hi," said the girl, who promptly gave Seymour a bear hug with a wide smile while giggling.

"Jesus, kid! You're stronger than you look, I'll tell ya what!"

The girl put Seymour down, "yeah, this is a fun barbecue that my big sister threw!"

"Wait, that creepy girl from a minute ago was your sister?"

"Well, yeah."

"This barbecue is becoming more and more and mo-"

"My name's Koishi!"

"Thank you for cutting me off, Koishi."

"You're welcome!"

"Was that sarcasm?"

Koishi stared at Seymour for a moment, "what's sarcasm?"

"Okay, this barbecue just lost all of its fun value due to all of this bullshit."

"What's bullshit?"

"**_Tromell!_** Get off of your ass; I want you to grab as much ribs and alcohol as you can get your hands on, because we're blowing this joint."

"But, Lord Seymour," said Tromell as he stood up, "didn't you want to get Satan's autograph."

"I did, but it's become clear that _he ain't fucking showing up_**. **Thus, we're grabbing some goodies and blowing on out."

"Well, all right, then."

With our heroes on the road again with roughly 20 stone of ribs and booze, where will they go next? Will they ever figure out what, exactly, went on back there?

"Is it even _worth_ figuring out? Seriously, the sooner we leave, the better."

**NEXT TIME:** _EVERYONE DIES!_

"Say what?"


	4. EVERYONE DIES!

Seymour's Bright Idea: Episode II

By Nardo T. Icarus

When we last left our heroes, they were leaving the Barbecue in Hell due to much mind screw. They were grateful, however, that they were able to get their hands on about a two weeks supply of ribs and alcoholic beverages.

"Next time somebody throws a barbecue, especially in Hell, _actually goddamn pickles_," said Seymour

"What was that, Lord Seymour," asked Tromell.

"I am _so_ sorry, Tromell. I'm so confused that the things I say are making less and less sense."

"It's okay, my lord, at least we got ribs."

"_Holy shit, yes_," yelled Seymour as he pulled out a rib and started chowing down.

Just then, a small Malboro popped out of the limo's glove box.

"ACK! Lord Seymour," yelled Asparagus.

"Wah haffen," said Seymour with his mouth full.

"There's a Malboro in the limo! **_There's a Malboro in the limo!_**"

"Well, that's no big deal," said Seymour, "Tromell, get me the weedicide"

"Right away, my lord," said Tromell.

"Um," said Seymour after waiting a few seconds, "well?"

"Lord Seymour."

"What?!"

"We've no weedicide in the limo."

"Oh, _shit!_"

Just then, the Malboro released its putrid breath into the limo.

"Argh! My eyes! _My eyes_," yelled Asparagus as he started steering erratically.

"Asparagus," ordered Seymour, "focus on the goddamn road, you idiot!"

"Can't see _shit_ captain!"

"Well, then hit the fucking brakes!"

"**_I CAN'T!_**"

"Why the hell _not_?!"

"I can't feel my legs!"

"Welp, we're boned," Seymour said, as if he were just cool with the situation.

"You sound like you're just cool with this, Lord Seymour," said Tromell.

"_LORD SEYMOUR_," said Asparagus, "_I'M SORRY I STOLE YOUR-_"

Beyond that point, Seymour had no recollection of, because he woke up near a river. In the river was a boat. In the boat were Tromell, Asparagus, and a woman with a scythe.

"Hop in, Lord Seymour," said Tromell.

"We're going for a _boat ride_," said Asparagus.

"Boat ride? What the hell," questioned Seymour.

"Just get in the damn boat," said the woman in the boat with the other two, "I don't get paid by the hour, you know."

"Well, fine," said Seymour, "no need to be a bitch about it."

And so, our heroes went on this impromptu boat ride across a river, which neither of the three had seen before. The woman giving them the ride was having a ball telling them random stories.

"Let me tell ya 'bout this one guy," she said, "he and his friends decided to get hammered so hard, then they went to dive of a cliff that was like, twelve meters high-"

"Oh, my god," said Seymour, "shut up, you're so annoying!"

"Well, sorry," said the woman, "anyway, there was this one other guy-"

"_NYUGH! HOW LONG DO WE HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS?!_"

"Well fine, crabby! Look, we're already here!"

"Good," said Seymour as he jumped out of the boat like a frog and landed directly on the dry land.

"Hey! Don't rock the boat, you schmuck!"

"Well, I'm sorry, babe, but that was the worst boat ride I've ever had!"

"It'll also be your last, you know."

"You know what? Fuck you. Let's go, boys."

And so our heroes walked into a small building of sorts. In this building was a desk.

"Wow, this looks like a hotel check-in thing-a-ma-bob," said Seymour.

"Yes, but no one's tending to it," said Tromell.

"Yeah," said Seymour as he turned to face the other two Guado, "You figure they would be more on top of things and have someone at the desk when someone walks in."

"Oh, wait, now there _is_ someone there," said Asparagus.

"Wait, what?" Seymour turned around.

"Hello, Seymour, Tromell, and Asparagus Guado," said a girl with green hair and an ornate hat.

"Holy shit! Uh, hi, uh… three rooms, please."

"What the hell, Lord Seymour," said Asparagus, "why can't we share a room?"

"Because."

"Well, I'm sorry, gentlemen, but this is not a hotel," said the girl, "I'm about to judge you."

"Wait, you judging me? Don't make me laugh, kid."

"Well, that's my duty, Seymour Guado. I'm a Yama. You three kinda died a few hours ago."

"We _kinda_ died?"

"Well, yeah. You crashed into a tree with your limo."

"Oh, shit. Is the limo okay?"

"Well, it's _kinda_ on fire right now."

"**_NO! THE RIBS! ALL OF THE RIBS WILL BE SCORCHED! ASPARAGUS, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! I TOLD YOU TO HIT THE GODDAMN BRAKES! YOU HEAR ME?! WHEN I SAY 'BRAKE', YOU _****_BRAKE_****_!_**"

"Well, I'm sorry, Seymour Guado, but there wasn't anything anyone could have done."

"You mean we were _fated_ to die?"

"No, not exactly. If Wakka hadn't-"

"**_WAKKA!_**"

"Well, yeah. If he hadn't put that Malboro in your glove box, then you probably would still be on your way."

"And the ribs wouldn't be nuked… **_ASPARAGUS! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!_**"

"But, I'm already dead," said Asparagus.

"Then I'll _revive you __**just so I can RE-KILL YOU!**_"

"Calm down, Seymour Guado," said the Yama, "it's all over; nothing can be done."

"Fucking Malboros," mumbled Seymour.

"Well, now it is time for your judgement."

"Um, okay."

"Ah, yes. You three are going to Hell."

"You sound so deadpan. Wait, what?"

"Here, hold this," the Yama handed Seymour a rod.

"I don't see how- _Oh, God, that's heavy!_"

"That is the weight of your sins, Seymour."

"My _sins_?"

"Yes, you have sinned a little too much," said the Yama as she took her rod back from Seymour.

"'A little too much'? Get real."

"Well, you see, it all goes back to eleven years ago at least."

"In 2001? What happened then?"

"You don't remember? First, you were unfaithful to the mother of your child, then you killed your own father, then you used your position as a major religious figure to manipulate the masses, then you committed genocide, and it only gets worse from there."

"Wait, how do you know all of this?"

"Well, I know everything," said the Yama as a large book appeared before her, "I have it all written down here in _The Big Book of Seymour Guado_. See? It even shows your final moments. '…and as he was cursing his chauffeur, the limousine crashed into a tree and the wreckage, along with Seymour, burned to a crisp. The End.'"

"That's a stupid ending. I want it rewritten."

"Well, I'm afraid I can't rewrite it. That would be against the rules."

"You mean you can't include _these_ clowns?" Seymour pointed to Tromell and Asparagus.

"Well, I don't need to, because they have their own books, _The Big Book of Tromell Guado_ and _The Big Book of Asparagus Guado_. They have very similar endings to your own."

"So, I guess we're going to Hell, huh?"

"Well, yeah," said the Yama as she pulled a lever, "enjoy your eternal justice!" She waved to our heroes with a smile as they fell through a trap door.

"OH, _GOD! __**WHAT THE FU-**_"

Thus, our heroes were sent to Hell. However, they didn't just land in any old part of hell…

"Holy shit," said Seymour, "Guys, wake up! We're back at the fucking barbecue!"

"Oh, my God! Yay," said Asparagus, who was left on 'limo guard duty' during their first trip to Hell.

"Oh, hey, guys," said Yuugi, who just so happened to be standing ten feet away from where they landed.

"Oh, hi, Yuugi, we got sent to Hell, because we died, apparently," said Seymour.

"So I've noticed."

"Yeah, apparently, we 'sinned a little too much' or some shit like that."

"That's usually what happens. So, what, exactly, did you do to piss off the Yama so bad?"

"I dunno, some shit in a video game, or something. I think it involved donuts."

"Donuts, eh?"

"Well, I don't know how true _that_ part is, but yeah, apparently."

"So, what are you gonna do, now?"

"I'm gonna leave, _duh_."

"Wait, what if you don't even have a body to return to?"

"Aw, _shit_, I forgot our bodies were charred **_WITH THE GODDAMN RIBS!_**"

"Oh, well that's not good."

"Hey, do you know who can un-char bodies?"

"What?"

"Well, _do_ you?!"

"Well, yeah. I think this lady named Eirin recently perfected a potion or something that pretty much restores dead bodies. It doesn't revive them, though."

Seymour pondered this for a moment. "Eirin's shady drug it is."

"Yeah, she lives at Eientei. I can help you get there, if you want."

"Cool, because we were gonna force you to come, anyway. Let's go, folks."

And so, our heroes and our guest star party member were on their way to Eientei, where they will obtain the Body Restoration Potion or whatever. Will they find it? Will Eirin give it to them?

"Is my money okay? I think we should stop at the limo wreck first, to make sure."

**NEXT TIME:** Revival Quest/Eirin's Shady, New Drug Again


End file.
